Mono on Poly – V

by V

Editor:
This piece was originally written for another project long ago and has been resurrected from the archives. So, if you notice that the style and tone are different that’s because they were written by different people at different times. But… The topics are still just as relevent today as they were then! Enjoy!

Let me begin by saying that I was a little surprised when asked to write something for this page. Not just something but my thoughts, opinions…basically jot down my moral compass. I decided I was making this far too complicated. But this is what I do. I tend to overthink, over react and over analyze a lot of things. 

I remember when I first heard that my friend and her longtime boyfriend also dated other people, I wondered: “How does that work? What if someone gets jealous? What about STDs? Or pregnancies? Or what about crazy psycho stalkers?”  But then I realized everyone who has ever dated, has dealt with these issues. I wondered how they could be so cool with knowing their partner was on a date with another person. Making out with someone else. Having someone else touch that little spot their side that sends little goose bumps all over.  I began to ask my friend some of these questions.

Sure one could argue that is not that much different than serial dating.  I was a fan of it in my 20’s and early 30’s.  I could go out with Mr. “I Speak 6 Languages” on Tuesday and then have dinner with Mr. “I only listen to real jazz” on Thursday. The difference was I had decided that none of these men were my partner or my chosen person. I was still trying to find one unique person that complemented me. I thought once I found someone that I could let see the real me I would not need or want for multiple partners or dates.  For me, I considered monogamy as part of my dedication to them. The focus on them. I don’t mean in an obsessive or unhealthy way.

I know that there are no guarantees in life. Believe me. I know that not all marriages last nor do all committed “monogamous” people stay faithful. Over time I asked more questions of my friend. She was very kind and patient to my inquiries. She and her Chosen One have clear understanding and ground rules for dating other people. They put each other’s wants and needs first just like my husband and I do.  I still cannot wrap my head around why you would want to see another person when you supposedly have your Chosen One.  Isn’t that person enough? I am sure that some folks cannot understand how one could not be polyamorous. (Have I mentioned that I dislike all the labels?-we are just people in relationships) 

I know that it can be tough to keep things new and fresh especially after decades of staring at the other person’s face.  I do not expect to have it all figured out today but I do know that for me the diagnosis is monogamy. My husband and I have been together eight years and decided that this works for us. With fourteen years of dating and six years of marriage under my belt I have seen quite a bit. This is not counting the combined successes and carnage of my friends dating lives. 

After much conversation with my friend I decided it boiled down to this: Being honest with who you are, what you want, and treat everyone with respect.

Pretty simple if you ask me. 

Resources