Learning to Fly – A First Date
By: Robin Macklepenny
Editor:
This piece was originally written for another project long ago and has been resurrected from the archives. So, if you notice that the style and tone are different that’s because they were written by different people at different times. But… The topics are still just as relevent today as they were then! Enjoy!
So, just a week after writing about being monogamously polyamorous, Jaqui and I went out to meet a gentleman for a first date. He seemed, online, to be a charming, thoughtful, and intelligent person. He was new to the poly lifestyle, but he seemed willing to learn. Topping all that off, he was pretty cute. I was hopeful, perhaps this might be a man worth adding to our relationship. If nothing else, perhaps this would be someone who could provide good, safe, and enjoyable company for Jaqui while I was away on business. We made it clear that we were poly, that he was dating Jaqui, but I was there to make sure he knew everything was OK between us and answer any questions he might have.
The drive to meet him was a long one, and we were delayed by my nervousness in getting ready. Halfway to our rendezvous, he called Jaqui, irately asking if we were coming or not. Jaqui quickly put him in his place, telling him his tone was not appreciated and if he was not happy waiting, we could certainly change our plans. He apologized and agreed that we weren’t all that late and he would be happy to wait. After hanging up, Jaqui told me she was seriously considering calling off the date. I suggested we give him a chance; perhaps he was nervous. He didn’t sound at all like the person she had been talking to online.
When we finally arrived at our agreed-upon meeting place (within walking distance from his apartment) we found him leaning against the wall outside of the bar. Jaqui greeted him, and he looked at her briefly, saying “hi”, and asked if we were going in. Taken aback, she said yes, since we were here, we might as well check it out. He shrugged and gestured at the door, leaving Jaqui and I to open it and walk in before him. Strike two, in my book… we had driven twenty miles to meet him on his home turf, and he wasn’t even a gracious enough host to open the door for us.
Once inside we found a table. He seemed somewhat distant, but again, perhaps it was just nervousness. At 6’3”, I can be intimidating, as a trans woman barely a year into transition. He was made aware of this before the date, He had asked intelligent questions and had done some research on his own. Still, having me physically in front of him might have been a bit off-putting. Once inside, his obvious discomfort prompted Jaqui to ask if something was wrong… he said it was a little too loud there to talk, so we all decided to drive up the road to another place that might be better. He rode with us silently, answering only direct questions. I could feel Jaqui’s discomfort and again hoped things would improve.
The door scenario repeated itself, but I was already resigned to it. The place was indeed quieter, and we ordered appetizers and drinks. Throughout dinner, he barely made eye contact with Jaqui and never initiated conversation with her, although occasionally he would talk directly with me. He kept returning to a refrain of how it had been four years since he had been in a relationship and how boring it was in the area. He insisted even the local strip clubs here were boring. At that point, Jaqui’s eyes lit up, and I asked if he had ever visited a local favorite. He hadn’t, and I suggested perhaps we might go tonight. He perked up a bit and agreed. We got the check, Jaqui and I paid; and we all left. He at no time made a move toward his wallet, and insisted he wasn’t going to tip because “waitresses have to earn a tip from me”
The club that night was actually quite disappointing…. very few dancers, no one dancing with enthusiasm. Jaqui and I were both irritated at how the date was going, which did not help matters. Again, we paid for our drinks and left. To his credit, he at least paid the cover. On the way back to his neighborhood, to break the silence, I apologized for the club being so off that night, insisting I had never had a bad time there before. “That’s ok,” he replied, “I will have forgotten tonight by morning anyway.” The air in Jaqui’s region of the car turned noticeably colder… I was surprised I couldn’t see her breath. As we approached his neighborhood, at a Seven-Eleven store a couple of blocks farther from his apartments than the original bar had been, Jaqui quietly told me to let him off there. I did, saying aloud “This looks like a well-lit location, it should be safe for you to walk home from here.”
I went on to tell him, “I do have an observation for you, though, before you go. You say you haven’t had a relationship for several years. I begin to see why. You knew before you met us what Jaqui and I look like, and quite a bit about us. You know that Jaqui’s health is not very good. She gave you the precious gift of her time, which is in short supply. You have barely talked to her and have in fact acted like you were ashamed to be seen with us all night. Until you learn to treat others with some degree of respect, I imagine you will always be alone. I hope, I really do, you will learn and grow from this, because I cannot think of a single womanI know who would put up with the way you have acted. Implying that she was completely forgettable was the icing on the cake. I hope you have a pleasant evening.”
He stammered something about not meaning we were forgettable, but by that time neither Jaqui nor I cared to listen. He left the car and walked into the store, and we headed home together. The night was a disaster. As we talked on the ride home, about how Jaqui had been involved with men like him in the past, we reflected on how much our standards had improved with time. It became obvious the experience had actually served to show how we had grown together. I confessed I was worried I had overstepped. She reassured me that rather than being upset, she loved the way I defended her and told him off. She had already decided he wasn’t worth wasting her breath.
I hope we go on another date someday soon. I certainly hope it turns out much better. There are a number of gentlemen who I know would treat Jaqui with the respect and love she deserves, and I know now that she won’t settle for less. It would be lovely to add a third or more to our cozy poly nest, but we’re not in any hurry. We’re holding out for a quality person, someone worthy of both of us, who we can celebrate just as we do each other. Perhaps that isn’t in the cards… if not, we’re content. We have each other, after all, and neither of us ever thought we would experience a love like the one we share.
Namasté!