A Serious Case of Mono

by Brian

Editor:
This piece was originally written for another project long ago and has been resurrected from the archives. So, if you notice that the style and tone are different that’s because they were written by different people at different times. But… The topics are still just as relevent today as they were then! Enjoy!

I’m monogamous. And I’m pretty serious about it.

Navigating the rules, structures, and hazards of non-monogamous relationships seems scary and overwhelming. But I’d be lying if I said I never considered it.

Societal pressure to seek and maintain strictly monogamous relationships is lessening. As awareness about polyamory and non-heteronormative relationships grows and social stigma decreases, it seems more people feel comfortable exploring sex, love, and relationships outside monogamy. Chances are, I may someday find myself romantically involved with someone who wants to venture outside the realm of a purely monogamous relationship.

I’ve had a few close calls. I’ve gone out with guys who hid their relationship status because “guys like you won’t give me a chance if they know I’m already in a relationship.” Other guys with whom I had great chemistry were kind enough to tell me up front they’re in an open relationship. Having already encountered a number of poly men in my dating life, it’s likely this issue could hit closer to home in the future.

My former partner recently asked his current partner if they could open their relationship because he’s dissatisfied with their sex life. He said he loves his partner romantically, but they are incompatible sexually. That could have happened to me and it still could with somebody else in the future. If it does happen, how will I react?

As I continue to navigate the dating scene in a world of changing norms and values, my chances of encountering such a dilemma seem to be increasing. Would I abandon a relationship with someone I love if they wanted to change the rules mid-stream? Or would I open my world and our relationship to the mysteries and dangers that come with sharing our lives and our bodies with someone else?  Frankly, the very idea frightens the hell out of me!

What about STDs and jealousy? How would my family take the news? What about kids? What if my partner abandons me for a new love? What if both partners abandon me to pursue a monogamous relationship with each other (talk about being double-dumped!)? These are the questions that haunt me whenever I allow myself to imagine the world outside of monogamy.

I may never face these questions outside the machinations of my ever-worrying mind. But if I do, I know I can turn to my friends for guidance and support. In the meantime, I’m learning more about polyamory and non-monogamous relationships from a number of poly friends who don’t seem to mind this somewhat old-fashioned guy asking lots of questions and sharing his fears without judgment.

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